I had a message the other day from someone on Instagram asking how I feel as creative during lockdown, how it’s made me feel about my career.

It’s something that I’ve spent a good week or so thinking about. I’ve had so many mixed experiences working as a photographer in this ‘COVID era’, so to speak. I’ve got stuck in my own head to the point where I questioned what I’m doing.

Questioned whether it is worth my time. If it was something that I really want to build my life on. I genuinely considered throwing it all in.

My motivation has hit some real lows. I didn’t want to even think about posting work. But then each time I’d walk into my studio, I’d see my camera and just couldn’t help but pick it up and I’d forget everything that I was worried about.

I have been taking photos long before I had made it my career, and having a camera in my hand feels like I fit in the world. That learned language between my eye, the subject and my hand on the dials take over and I can’t help but capture.

For the last four years, the camera has shaped my life. It became the one tangible thing that allowed me to dream when life became super dark. A tool that allowed me to process the biggest, heaviest times in my life.

As much as making a living from working behind the lens scares the hell out of me still (thanks COVID!), it’s my healer too. It’s what erases pain when I need it. I actually can’t leave my camera alone. Even now writing this it’s 30cms away from my notebook.

It’s not just a talisman for my creativity but it’s one for me as a person.

The biggest recurring dream I have is going away and not having packed my camera! And the feeling I have in the dream is like having my arm tied behind my back.

Taking photos for me is like the soothing tonic I need. My leveller. It’s become the much-needed weight that keeps the pendulum of my life in steady and even swings.

I remember that when I first started to earn money from photography I was worried that it might possibly ruin it for me. That it might destroy something that makes me so happy.

But in the end, despite there being a lot of firsts, learning curves, thinking on the run, I feel like I’m just as connected to my photography as I was ten years ago, even twenty years ago.

COVID has been the biggest test for how I see myself as a creative. But I think it’s reminded me of the fact that it really is an extension of me. It allows me to convey how I see the world and how I want it to be going forward.

And at the end of the day, that what’s creativity should be for you. Life affirming.

To all the photographers and creatives out there I genuinely hope that you medium of choice is helping you through this bizarre world we are currently live in.

Much Love

Steph xx